Moms of Littles: You've Got This!

“Why do I feel like this? Having a kid is much harder than I expected it to be!”

“Why did no one tell me that parenting is so much harder than it looks? No one told me I’d feel so guilty and question my ability to take care of my kid”

“No matter what I do, I feel like I’m failing–parenting a baby and toddler is so hard!”

“Will I ever feel like myself again?!”

“My friend told me that one day I’d be in a ‘Sweet Spot’ where it feels easier raising kids, does that even exist?!”

These are all questions that come up on a regular basis in my office as a perinatal mental health therapist.  And personally, I can relate. As a new mom caring for a baby was more challenging than I anticipated. It was HARD.  There were moments that I thought I had lost my mind and I’d never feel relaxed and well rested again! 

In the spring of 2020, the world was deep into the Covid-19 Pandemic.  My husband and I were navigating virtual school with our first grader, unsuccessfully keeping our preschooler entertained and out of trouble, and working remotely all while trying to keep our own sanity intact. When it became evident that the whole “Stay Home for 2 Weeks” thing was going to be more of a “Stay Home Indefinitely” situation, we realized that we needed to find some way to have some sense of normalcy for all of us.  For us, being outside was the best option.  In a world where uncertainty felt overwhelming, being outside felt grounding.  

Living in Huntsville, we are fortunate to have access to the Land Trust of North Alabama.  The hundreds of miles of trails are the perfect backdrop for adventure and activity. And, added bonus, there were plenty of options so we never had to repeat an outing.  At minimum, everyone burned off energy. Best case scenario, we actually enjoyed it. Since my kids were 7 and 4 at the time, I looked for hikes that were not too long, mostly flat, and had a quick “exit strategy” in the event we reached nuclear meltdown mode sooner than anticipated.  When parenting during a pandemic felt particularly hard, these hikes became highlights in our days. 

One day, I got brave. I decided to try the Alum Hollow trail on Green Mountain. I’d heard it was an “easy” out and back trail with streams and waterfalls and a cool rock shelter at the end. The “cool factor” supposedly outweighed the more difficult parts. I loaded up the kids and hoped for the best. While we hiked, the kids each had their own backpack filled with water and snacks. I had my own backpack loaded with my own supplies and the toddler carrier in case the 4 year old stopped in her tracks and refused to walk any further. 

I was apprehensive at first, but there was no need for nerves. It was magical. The kids were THRIVING.  They were living their best lives: they sang songs, told stories, made up jokes that are only funny to kids, threw rocks and sticks in the streams, played I Spy, and ate snacks under the rock shelter at the end of the trail. AND, they both hiked back, walking the entire way. No carrier needed. When they got in the car, both kids asked if we could do that trail again because it was so fun. Like I said, magical.

As we drove home, I had the realization that this must be my Sweet Spot.  I thought, “This feels easier. I can do this!” Please know, I have always loved my kids. Their smiles and giggles melt my heart. I feel pride as they met their milestones and developed new skills. I adore their very individual personalities. And yet, more often than not when they were really little, it felt HARD, like I was doing something wrong, like I was missing the part that made it enjoyable.

But that random day in May of 2020 gave me hope. I’d had fun with my kids and I felt more relaxed and more “myself” than I had felt in years. Shortly after we got home my husband and I were debriefing on the day. I made a grand announcement I didn’t think I’d ever say. “I think we’ve made it, I think we’ve reached the Sweet Spot. You know that third kid we’ve been talking about? I think we’re good with two.” The Universe has a twisted sense of humor, because the very next week I found out I was pregnant. 

Of course, that third kid was exactly what our family needed. He is the perfect little caboose and fills holes we didn’t even know were there. Also, hindsight doesn’t negate the fact that adding a new baby into the mix was a lot to process emotionally and mentally. Just as soon as I felt like I had reached the Sweet Spot I had been waiting for, I had been thrust right back into the trenches of newborn life. No more days of exciting activities with bigger kids, but many more days of packing bottles, changing diapers, planning around nap schedules, paying for daycare, and feeling like I could always use “just one more hour” of sleep.  The stress of that season was palpable at times. I often wondered if I would ever get back to that Sweet Spot again! 

But now, here we are at present day. Specifically, today is Labor Day, and the weather has been beautiful. My family decided to go on a hike, and the Bigs requested a return to the Alum Hollow Trail. We weren't too far from the trail head when my husband looked at me and said, “I think we’re back to the Sweet Spot.” He’s right. The Bigs are now just shy of 13 and 10. The youngest is a feisty and independent 4 1/2 year old. Coincidentally, he’s the same age his older sister was when we adventured out on this same trail for the first time back in 2020. And once again, they all carried their own things. They laughed and joked together, and the only whining was the typical sibling nagging that comes with three kids. I wouldn’t say it was as magical as the first time, but it was pretty darn amazing. 

So, Moms of Littles, this next part is for you. Hang on tight and remember that you’re doing a great job. Being a Mom is hard. It is not for the faint of heart, and those babies and toddlers provide a challenge unlike any other stage.  Please remember to be kind to yourself!  You’re not supposed to know exactly what you’re doing–this is the first time you’ve been in this place.  When you find yourself thinking, “I’m no good at this, I wish I was a better mom. This is too hard, when will it feel easier?” Please take a moment to breathe, and remind yourself that you are doing a good job. Struggling doesn’t mean you are failing.  It’s hardest when we care the most. You’re also not a bad mom if you don’t enjoy your children at this stage of life–it’s hard to enjoy being sleep deprived and stressed.  Find glimmers of joy that help you feel calm in the moment. Pull in support to help you as needed.  It’s ok to ask for help.  Remind yourself in those difficult moments that “this too shall pass”. And one day, when you least expect it, you might find yourself in your own personal Sweet Spot where you look around and say, “I’ve got this!”